Raunchy Jokes

Putin Asks Obama for a Favor

It is Barack Obama’s second term in office and he receives a call on his red telephone in the Oval Office. When he picks up the receiver, he hears a voice on the line. It is President Putin of Russia. “Hello!” says the American president. “How are you?”

Putin says, “I’ll get right to the point: I need to ask a favor of you.”

Obama says, “I’ll be happy to help if I can. What is it?”

Putin confides, “There has been a sudden rampant outbreak of AIDS in Russia, and it has gotten us pretty worried. We’ve run out of condoms. We need ten million more condoms right away, but our manufacturers just can’t handle that kind of volume. Do you think that you could rush me a shipment of seven million condoms next week?”

Obama says, “I’ll make some calls and see what I can do.”

“Just one more favor,” says Putin. “We need all the condoms to be sixteen inches long.”

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Continental Question

Q: If you’re an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?

A: European.

The Pretzel Hold

pretzel-hold-fff

There is a young wrestler who beats everyone in high school, then college, so he decides to enter the Olympics. He does quite well, beating everyone, until there is only one match left and only one wrestler to beat: the Russian. Well, naturally, there is a big national hoopla about it. The Russian against the American for the world championship! There is much publicity and excitement about the contest, and everyone eagerly awaits the big match.

The day before it is to occur, the American’s coach takes him aside. “Okay, look,” says the coach, “you and this Russian are pretty evenly matched. But I have to warn you about one thing. This guy has beaten the last twenty people he’s wrestled, and he’s beaten them all with a move he’s got called the Pretzel Hold. Once he gets you into this Pretzel Hold, forget it; there’s no way out. So be careful. Keep mentally on top of it the whole match, and you can beat him. But remember: watch out for the Pretzel Hold!”

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God and Adam

god-and-adam-fff

Just after God invented Adam, he said to his newly created man, “I have some good news for you, and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a very large brain, and a very large penis.”

Adam exclaims, “That sounds great!”

“The bad news,” says God, “is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one of them at a time.”

B.B. Tattoo

B.B. King’s wife decided that she was going to make his birthday especially memorable one year. The day before the party, she went out and got B.B.’s initials tattooed on her buttocks, one letter on each cheek. The next night, after his big birthday dinner with friends in his favorite restaurant, they went home. As soon as B.B. sat down in his favorite chair, his wife walked up to him and announced, “I have a big surprise for you.” With that, she turned around, pulled up her dress, dropped her drawers, and bent over.

B.B. stared for a moment at the posterior just inches from his face, and then asked, “Who’s BOB?”